The lost one

I was reading MuddlingAlongMummy's very honest post this morning about trying for another baby.  I can completely sympathise with her, our first daughter came along without even really trying, so when we went for our second child, it was much more difficult.  I have no idea why, but it took a long time and the highs and lows every month waiting for good news is very hard.  Obviously even more so, if you are trying for your first, but somehow trying for a second or third baby can be just as heartbreaking and stressful.  I remember feeling bad that I was feeling unhappy because I was one of the lucky ones who already had a child and had friends who were still trying. But for many of us, that desire, dream to make our ideal family, to give a child a sibling can be as strong as to have our first.  And all the more frustrating for not being able to the second or third time around. 

We were lucky enough to be blessed with another pregnancy last year, but sadly on this day a year ago, we found out I had miscarried. It was a hard time for us, with other big problems in our life.  But it was a complete shock as we went for our first scan to be told it wasnt to be, although I was having all the sickness, tiredness etc and even thought my tummy was growing. 

I know early miscarriage happens to alot of women, more than we are aware of, but somehow even though it is so common, I feel like people dont give it the sympathy it is worth, some people may say, but it wasnt even a person, but to me and every other mother who has experienced a miscarriage it is much more than that, it was a child who will never be and cannot be replaced by another.  You will (at least I did,) wonder what sex it will be, maybe consider names, start to make plans for the future.  Probably I shouldnt have done that, but after two pregnancies with little or no problems, it never realistically crossed my mind this was coming, even more so as I was having pregnancy symptoms and no sign of any problems.  I went into the doctors with excitement to see my new baby, hoping to maybe find out the sex, but it was not to be. 

After that my husband said no more, but lately he has changed his mind.  Honestly, I would have another, but now is not the right time for us, lets see what the future holds.

I wish Hannah, very best of luck and hope she can have the family she dreams of.